A Nerd Walks Into a Bar…

Ok this is about a year old, but I have a somewhat funny story I never got to tell.  Around this time last year I went to the Affiliate Summit West in Las Vegas.  It’s basically an event for other self employed computer geeks like me to get together and pretend we have real jobs.  It was around the time I was selling one of my websites and several potential buyers were there that I needed to meet with.

In addition to the conference, a few of the sponsors were hosting some events.  One of the events I was looking forward to, was a party as the TAO night club at the Venetian hotel.  They had reserved the upstairs for people from the summit and had hired Blue Man Group to do a private show there. I’d never seen Blue Man Group, but wanted to so this sounded awesome!

The party started at 7pm, so like all the other nerds I lined up promptly at 6:45. :-)  I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently this is one of those fancy clubs where the bouncers decide who gets in and who doesn’t.  So there’s one line with all the hot people, and then, well, there’s us.

I finally get in around 7:15 and it’s kind of cool at first.  About what you’d expect, dim lights, loud music, free drinks, a beautiful view of the strip and balconies overlooking the pond at the Venetian and about 100 people standing around in clicks talking about pay per click, conversion rates, SEO and analytics.  You know, the typical club scene.  They also have the stage set up already it looks awesome, I’ll be able to watch the show from 15 feet away.

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I had met a few people while at the conference, but I didn’t see any of them there.  I came alone and it just seemed a little to awkward to me to try to go find a group and jump into their conversation.  Plus I could barely hear over the music.  So I’m standing around like a wallflower waiting for Blue Man Group to show up so I can see them and leave.

After about 15 minutes of this, I’m feeling real uncomfortable and think to myself.  “If I had a drink to hold I’d look like I was just chillin’ here instead of standing around.”  Now I really don’t drink much and hate the taste of beer so this left me not really knowing what to order.  I heard someone else order a rum and coke, which I’ve tried before, so I got that.

I hadn’t had anything to drink since leaving the conference about 3 hours earlier so I drank that down pretty quick.  Thankfully it was more Coke than Rum.  That put me back where I started though.  I couldn’t order the same thing again, but I needed something to hold.  I was thinking “I don’t want to order something girly.  Oh man, what do I do!?”  Just then I remembered I had an iPhone! :-)

I pull it out and spend about 15 minutes Googling “manly drinks” which really ended up being no help at all because I had virtually no reception.  Just then I remembered, Martini!  I mean James Bond drinks those, they’ve gotta be manly right?  I walked up to the bar with confidence.  “I’ll have a martini!”.  That confidence quickly went away when I was hit with the response “What kind?”.  I stood there with a blank stare like Napoleon Dynamite for about 5 seconds before he finally asked me “Gin or Vodka”.  Phew!  Multiple choice.  “Vodka!” I said with confidence once again.  “Clean or dirty?”  I panic again.  I don’t even want to know what goes into a dirty martini!  “CLEAN!!” I said.  Final question, “Do you want olive juice in it”.  I love olives so I say “Sure!”.  (I just now looked it up and found out that’s what makes it dirty, so now I feel even more stupid.)

Now I don’t know how martinis are normally made, but he pulls out a bottle of Absolute Vodka and fills the cup 75% of the way with it, then fills the remaining 25% with olive juice.  I took the first sip of it and it was extremely nasty.  I’m guessing he made it “special” just for me after our ordeal, but if that’s the way they’re normally made, James Bond is a sicko!  But now I’m stuck with this thing.  I hold it for about a half an hour and slowly take sips from it as much as I can stomach.  By this time it’s about 8:30 and I’m beginning to wonder when Blue Man Group is going to show up.  I pull out the paper and it says the party is from 7:00pm to ???. Great!  They may not show up until midnight.  A slot opens up on the balcony so I go out there for another 30 minutes and finish the drink while waiting.  Blue Man still isn’t there and I’m not feeling so great after finishing that drink so I decide to give up and leave.  I left the drink on the balcony so I wouldn’t have to face the bartender again.

I called Jeanette to tell her how lame it was and end up talking to her on the phone for the next 2 hours while walking around the Vegas strip in a half-drunken stuper.  Around 11pm I finally finish walking the strip, am worn out and starving because I never ate dinner.  I was under the impression there would be food at the club.  I’m ready to go to bed, but I’m at Luxor and I’m staying at Ceasers which is surprisingly far away dispite the fact it looks close.  I grab a midnight pizza from the Pizza Hut at Excallibur (also a bad idea) and walk back to the hotel and finally go to bed around 1:30 am.  I have to get up at 5am to make it to the airport in time to leave.  It wasn’t a good night.  I decided not to go back this year.

4 thoughts on “A Nerd Walks Into a Bar…

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